For many parents, including me, “communicate” usually means WE talk, they listen. That’s how it has always been. We know best.
Without a doubt, adults do have significant life experiences to convey to our children. But teens aren’t open or receptive to hear those messages until they feel that we understand what is important to THEM.
We THINK we know what’s best for them. We THINK we know them better than they know themselves. In some ways, that might be true. But we don’t know some of their biggest dreams or even what they might feel passionate about. We don’t know their deepest fears and concerns about the future. Why? Because they are afraid of being judged or having to sit through another one of our lectures.
The best we can do for our children at this crucial stage of their life is to ask questions and then LISTEN. Not just patiently waiting for our turn to talk. Actually hearing what they are saying and, as much as possible, understanding how they feel.
Over time, this communication builds trust. The depth of conversation increases. They begin to seek guidance rather than having it pushed on them.
The Lewis and Clark Interpretive Center sits on the banks of the Missouri River in Sioux City, Iowa. I must have driven past it 50 to 100 times in the last 6 months…but I’ve never stopped. Today I decided to actually go inside.
I’m not exactly a history buff which is probably why I haven’t exactly made it a priority in the past. I often don’t take the time to appreciate cultural exhibits of any kind and seldom actually stop and read the displays in any kind of museum, etc.
…but today was different.
Today something struck me about the magnitude of the Lewis and Clark expedition, that they embarked upon at the request of President Thomas Jefferson. Of course, Meriwether Lewis and William Clark become famous as of a result of their efforts. But they didn’t do it alone. What about the rest?
The Corps of Discovery was the team of men that accompanied them on their mission to explore the West. What did they get? Yes, they got paid when they got back. Yes, they were even promised a land grant when they returned home (IF they returned home.) But given the length of the time this journey would take, the total uncertainty about what they might encounter (they were still thinking mammoths may have existed,) and the extreme conditions they knew they would endure, I think its unlikely that ANY of them did this for what they might gain in return. They applied for this Corps to do something that mattered. Something that was meaningful. Something that would make a difference.
As our teens begin to think about their future and possible career directions, it seems that finding something that matters rarely makes the “Top 10″ list of most important criteria in their choice.
Why would we expect it to?
They watch their parents come home night after night and complain about work, how they can’t wait for the weekend, and rarely communicate WHY they find meaning in what they do everyday.
They sit day after day and listen to their teachers, who seldom are able to work into their curriculum (in the midst of preparing for all the standardized testing) WHY they are passionate about the subject matter they are teaching or why it even matters.
How could we expect them to think any differently?
It is our responsibility as parents to openly communicate the importance of finding work that is meaningful. Not just work that pays well, or that they think is “fun.” Something that MATTERS.
Back in December, I wrote a post that questioned whether a bachelors degree was really the “Golden Ticket” to a successful life that everyone seems to think.
At that time, I discussed some of the statistics regarding the difference in average lifetime earnings between those with a college degree and those with only a high school diploma. The College Board and Census reports showed the difference to be somewhere between $800k and $1 million.
A recent Wall Street Journal article reports that the gap is significantly smaller than what has been reported. After correcting for some errors in the data, as well as including a variety of other factors, it now appears that the difference between the two probably falls somewhere around $450,000 in a lifetime. Read the article and some of the insightful comments here.
Either way, earnings potential shouldn’t be the ONLY determining factor for choosing a career direction. But it is ONE important factor for many, if not most. And if that information is going to be used with our teens in making those decisions then it is important to use the most accurate information available.
(I’m sure my daughter is going to want to disown me when she sees a headline like this…but hold on, it’s not all bad!)
As you can see, I’m quite late getting this post published. I got caught up in the devastating effects of the hurricane in Haiti and have been trying to put together a plan to help some of the orphans there. This was a major problem before the earthquake but for whatever reason I stayed relatively focused on my own little world until now. This disaster has somehow hit me differently.
The media has covered many amazing stories of people pulling together to help. One story that I found particularly amazing was that of Charlie Simpson. A 7 year old boy from west London. After seeing the conditions in Haiti, he decided to raise money by getting people to sponsor him in a 5 mile bike ride. His goal? Raise £500 (roughly $800.)
Here’s a short video from a local news station documenting Charlie’s efforts…
Instead of raising $800, the last I heard he had raised over $240,000. The exact dollar amount isn’t important. It wouldn’t have mattered if Charlie would have fallen short of his goal or not. What’s most impressive is the fact that this young boy saw a need and found a way that he could make a difference.
When you read stories like this (and there are many others long before the Haiti earthquake) it makes you wonder what makes them different. Why do some young people almost inadvertently have an impact on others far bigger than they ever could have imagined, and others seem to be perfectly satisfied filling every waking hour with texting and Facebook? (And yes, my daughter is one of them that indulges in this.)
But before we place judgment on our kids and label them as disinterested and unmotivated, we should look at what is behind some of these stories of remarkable achievement. In most amazing stories about young people doing incredible things for others, there no doubt is a young person with incredible awareness and insight to recognize the need and their potential for making a difference. But…there is typically a parent or another person that supports this desire to help. Whether it’s Charlie Simpson or others, they don’t do it alone. They usually have someone that nurtures this idea and supports them.
As I began to realize the importance of this support and encouragement I began to wonder how many opportunities I’ve had to nurture something similar. Not necessarily something big and news worthy, but little hints of an interest or a concern.
Unfortunately I don’t have to think back too far.
My oldest daughter was very moved by the devastation in Haiti and the condition of the orphanages and immediately we began discussing ways we could help. When many of our efforts were hindered by government regulations, I became somewhat discouraged and got distracted by other things. She, on the other hand, began to talk about something that COULD be done … raise money for more tents. She talked about this everyday and began to take steps to make it happen.
As I look back, I listened but I fell far short of “fanning the flames.” There was so much I could have done or said to encourage her, guide her, and support her. But I didn’t. I gave some feedback when it was asked for. I gave a little “off the cuff” advice, whether it was asked for or not. I was extremely proud of what she was doing but made no attempts to have deeper conversation about what it was that has moved her to take action.
I wonder how many other opportunities I’ve missed to encourage her to follow her interests (however big or small) or things that she is in some way passionate about.
She came home a couple weeks ago and was all excited about the impact their booth made at the Farm and Home Show. As part of TATU (Teens Against Tobacco Use) they showed real lungs that had been effected by smoking. She was so excited about the impact this had on others and how busy they were. She really felt some people may make a change because of what they had done.
Once again, I listened. Atleast with one ear. I had other things on my mind. Caught up in my own world and missed another opportunity at nurturing something she was passionate about.
….then there was the mission trip she returned home from very excited about what they had done.
I better stop with that one as I’m sure the list is quite long.
How many chances are you missing to connect with your children on things that interest them?
