Uncertain Steps

Previous posts have discussed the importance of parents  communicating certain things to our teenagers regarding their future:

• Finding their own unique niche

• Pursuing interests

• Doing things that matter

For many parents, including me, “communicate” usually means WE talk, they listen. That’s how it has always been.  We know best.

Without a doubt, adults do have significant life experiences to convey to our children.  But teens aren’t open or receptive to hear those messages until they feel that we understand what is important to THEM.

We THINK we know what’s best for them.  We THINK we know them better than they know themselves.  In some ways, that might be true.  But we don’t know some of their biggest dreams or even what they might feel passionate about.  We don’t know their deepest fears and concerns about the future.  Why?  Because they are afraid of being judged or having to sit through another one of our lectures.

The best we can do for our children at this crucial stage of their life is to ask questions and then LISTEN. Not just patiently waiting for our turn to talk.  Actually hearing what they are saying and, as much as possible, understanding how they feel.

Over time, this communication builds trust.  The depth of conversation increases. They begin to seek guidance rather than having it pushed on them.

…easier said than done!

The Lewis and Clark Interpretive Center sits on the banks of the Missouri River in Sioux City, Iowa.  I must have driven past it 50 to 100 times in the last 6 months…but I’ve never stopped.  Today I decided to actually go inside.

I’m not exactly a history buff which is probably why I haven’t exactly made it a priority in the past.  I often don’t take the time to appreciate cultural exhibits of any kind and seldom actually stop and read the displays in any kind of museum, etc.

…but today was different.

Today something struck me about the magnitude of the Lewis and Clark expedition, that they embarked upon at the request of President Thomas Jefferson.  Of course, Meriwether Lewis and William Clark become famous as of a result of their efforts.  But they didn’t do it alone.  What about the rest?

The Corps of Discovery was the team of men that accompanied them on their mission to explore the West.  What did they get?  Yes, they got paid when they got back.  Yes, they were even promised a land grant when they returned home (IF they returned home.)   But given the length of the time this journey would take, the total uncertainty about what they might encounter (they were still thinking mammoths may have existed,) and the extreme conditions they knew they would endure, I think its unlikely that ANY of them did this for what they might gain in return.  They applied for this Corps to do something that mattered.  Something that was meaningful.  Something that would make a difference.

As our teens begin to think about their future and possible career directions, it seems that finding something that matters rarely makes the “Top 10″ list of most important criteria in their choice.

Why would we expect it to?

They watch their parents come home night after night and complain about work, how they can’t wait for the weekend, and rarely communicate WHY  they find meaning in what they do everyday.

They sit day after day and listen to their teachers, who seldom are able to work into their curriculum (in the midst of preparing for all the standardized testing) WHY they are passionate about the subject matter they are teaching or why it even matters.

How could we expect them to think any differently?

It is our responsibility as parents to openly communicate the importance of finding work that is meaningful.  Not just work that pays well, or that they think is “fun.” Something that MATTERS.

How do you do that with your teen?

Back in December, I wrote a post that questioned whether a bachelors degree was really the “Golden Ticket” to a successful life that everyone seems to think.

At that time, I discussed some of the statistics regarding the difference in average lifetime earnings between those with a college degree and those with only a high school diploma.  The College Board and Census reports showed the difference to be somewhere between $800k and $1 million.

A recent Wall Street Journal article reports that the gap is significantly smaller than what has been reported.  After correcting for some errors in the data, as well as including a variety of other factors, it now appears that the difference between the two probably falls somewhere around $450,000 in a lifetime.  Read the article and some of the insightful comments here.

Either way, earnings potential shouldn’t be the ONLY determining factor for choosing a career direction.  But it is ONE important factor for many, if not most.  And if that information is going to be used with our teens in making those decisions then it is important to use the most accurate information available.

(I’m sure my daughter is going to want to disown me when she sees a headline like this…but hold on, it’s not all bad!)

As you can see, I’m quite late getting this post published.  I got caught up in the devastating effects of the hurricane in Haiti and have been trying to put together a plan to help some of the orphans there.  This was a major problem before the earthquake but for whatever reason I stayed relatively focused on my own little world until now.  This disaster has somehow hit me differently.

The media has covered many amazing stories of people pulling together to help.  One story that I found particularly amazing was that of Charlie Simpson.  A 7 year old boy from west London. After seeing the conditions in Haiti, he decided to raise money by getting people to sponsor him in a 5 mile bike ride.  His goal?  Raise £500 (roughly $800.)

Here’s a short video from a local news station documenting Charlie’s efforts…

Instead of raising $800, the last I heard he had raised over $240,000.  The exact dollar amount isn’t important.  It wouldn’t have mattered if Charlie would have fallen short of his goal or not.  What’s most impressive is the fact that this young boy saw a need and found a way that he could make a difference.

When you read stories like this (and there are many others long before the Haiti earthquake) it makes you wonder what makes them different.  Why do some young people almost inadvertently have an impact on others far bigger than they ever could have imagined, and others seem to be perfectly satisfied filling every waking hour with texting and Facebook?  (And yes, my daughter is one of them that indulges in this.)

But before we place judgment on our kids and label them as disinterested and unmotivated, we should look at what is behind some of these stories of remarkable achievement.   In most amazing stories about young people doing incredible things for others, there no doubt is a young person with incredible awareness and insight to recognize the need and their potential for making a difference.  But…there is typically a parent or another person that supports this desire to help.   Whether it’s Charlie Simpson or others, they don’t do it alone.  They usually have someone that nurtures this idea and supports them.

As I began to realize the importance of this support and encouragement I began to wonder how many opportunities I’ve had to nurture something similar. Not necessarily something big and news worthy, but little hints of an interest or a concern.

Unfortunately I don’t have to think back too far.

My oldest daughter was very moved by the devastation in Haiti and the condition of the orphanages and immediately we began discussing ways we could help.  When many of our efforts were hindered by government regulations, I became somewhat discouraged and got distracted by other things.  She, on the other hand, began to talk about something that COULD be done … raise money for more tents.  She talked about this everyday and began to take steps to make it happen.

As I look back, I listened but I fell far short of “fanning the flames.”  There was so much I could have done or said to encourage her, guide her, and support her.  But I didn’t.  I gave some feedback when it was asked for.  I gave a little “off the cuff” advice, whether it was asked for or not.  I was extremely proud of what she was doing but made no attempts to have deeper conversation about what it was that has moved her to take action.

I wonder how many other opportunities I’ve missed to encourage her to follow her interests (however big or small) or things that she is in some way passionate about.

She came home a couple weeks ago and was all excited about the impact their booth made at the Farm and Home Show.  As part of TATU (Teens Against Tobacco Use) they showed real lungs that had been effected by smoking.  She was so excited about the impact this had on others and how busy they were.  She really felt some people may make a change because of what they had done.

Once again, I listened.  Atleast with one ear.  I had other things on my mind.  Caught up in my own world and missed another opportunity at nurturing something she was passionate about.

….then there was the mission trip she returned home from very excited about what they had done.

I better stop with that one as I’m sure the list is quite long.

How many chances are you missing to connect with your children on things that interest them?

I spoke with a mother yesterday who has a 15 year old son that is a sophomore in high school (same as my oldest daughter.)  When she mentioned that he may take the ACT or SAT in February I was a little shocked.  I realize they can take it as early as the 6th grade if they want but it seems a bit overkill to me.  Do they need to be stressing out about that already?

…but there is more to his story.

He is a very intelligent young man. Involved in everything from music to athletics.  He’s fairly confident that he wants to go into the medical field in some way.

He has even signed up for a camp/conference this summer to explore the different possibilities in the medical field.  He knows that he may not have the stomach for blood that would be necessary to be a medical doctor so is looking for other alternatives.  Given his exceptional math skills, he is considering biomedical engineering.

What does this have to do with taking the ACT early?

He has recognized, probably with the help of his parents, that regardless whether he decides to pursue biomedical engineering or changes his mind and wants to become a medical doctor, if he doesn’t have the grades and the test scores to get into the best undergraduate program possible he is substantially limiting his opportunities.

It isn’t that he’s committed to one thing and ruled everything else out at the age of 15.  He recognizes that he has other interests such as working with youth.  He continues to explore that through a variety of activities such as coaching youth wrestling.  He is aware of some possibilities, and is also well aware of what it takes to make those happens so is taking steps to keep all of his opportunities open and available to him until he makes a decision.

Over time, as he continues to experience more opportunities in these directions, he will begin to see where he fits best….or maybe something entirely new will present itself as a part of this process.  Most importantly, he is actively exploring…not waiting until its time to graduate to take steps in finding a direction for his life.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen as easily for some as it does for others.  Some haven’t even begun to recognize their strengths or interests.  They don’t really see any possible directions to explore or know where to even start.

This is where parents can make a difference. Not by nagging on them with the infamous question “What are you going to do with your life?”  The more we pressure kids in that way, the quicker they are just going to make a choice … a poor choice … just so they don’t have to feel us breathing down their neck about it all the time.

Our role is to actively engage in conversation about different careers as we notice them.  Discussing people who have a passion for what they are doing … and those who obviously don’t.  Reminding them of their various strengths and how they might be utilized in unique ways.

Not pushing.  Not persuading.  Not trying to influence.  Just trying to help them become more aware of themselves and the rest of the world.  The more this becomes a habit the more they will find themselves doing that on their own.  Noticing what others are doing and how they go about doing it. Thinking about themselves in a similar role.

As important as the passive observation is to this process, even more importantly is becoming a more active participant. “Active” meaning it’s in the DOING.  Not just sitting by watching.  Getting involved.  Trying new things.  Going new places.  We have to encourage them to step out of their little box that has gotten so comfortable and try it all.

Try out for the community theater that they never considered…or maybe work on the set or be an assistant to the director.  Take an auto shop class.  Look through the community college night classes for something new to try.  Teach a Sunday school class or a summer baseball team.  Go to youth leadership events and meet others from around the country and get a different perspective.

The earlier they begin to open themselves up to the unlimited possibilities the world has for them, the more opportunity they will have to explore various things before needing to make any decision at all.

Tennis legend, Andre Agassi committed over 3 decades of his life to becoming the best tennis player in the world and yet, in his book, “Open,” he describes how much he hated tennis.

He didn’t like sports at all…but he HATED tennis!

His father was obsessed with making him the best tennis player in the world:

• building a tennis court in their backyard that Andre referred to as his “cell”
• forcing him to practice hour after hour against “the dragon”
• sparing no expense at getting him the best instruction in the world, even at the price of sending him away to Florida at a young age

And yet, Andre continued to insist that he absolutely hated the game of tennis.

As parents, we can sit and point a finger at Mike Agassi and condemn him. How could he be so demanding? How could he not recognize how much his son hated what he was doing?

As portrayed in this book, Mike Agassi was certainly extreme, but plenty of us do similar things.  We want the best for our children as they become adults. We want them to be “successful.” We just may be a little more subtle in how we go about it.

In some cases we want them to be just like us:

• expect them to follow in our footsteps
• take over the family business
• get that Ivy League education that we have
• push, drive, and strive just like we have

Others may want something totally different for their kids:

• doctors who don’t want their kids going into healthcare because of what they’ve experienced
• parents who failed to get a college degree who almost demand that from their kids
• even Andre and his wife, Stephie Graf, insist that their kids won’t have a career in tennis

So…what is our role as parents as our teenagers begin to think about the future?

We encourage them to actively explore and expose themselves to as many new and different experiences as possible.

We help them become aware of things about themselves that they may have taken for granted or not recognized.

We allow them to see other perspectives than their own, or even our own.

But sometimes what we see as talents and skills don’t all match perfectly with their interests and passions.   Sometimes the values that we directly or indirectly tried to instill in our children don’t become THEIR value system.

Ultimately, THEY have to make the decision.

Just returned home from our trip to San Francisco. Yes it did finally happen and eventually we got to do everything we had planned. ( I’m sure there is another lesson in that…most of the time things work out, even if they are not exactly according to the plan!)

…but that isn’t the topic of this post.

Throughout our entire trip, I had the opportunity to witness or speak with countless people engaged in work that they obviously found great joy in and were very passionate about…

• a guy at the airport counter telling me about his craft of working with steel used in power plants (I have to  admit, I still have no clue what he was referring to specifically, but without a doubt he was passionate about his work)
• Gregory Haney, who played the part of Chistery, the monkey in the musical “Wicked” … certainly wasn’t the main character but the play wouldn’t have been the same without him
• the entire orchestra at Cirque du Soleil … like the monkey they were never center stage and it was easy to forget that the music was actually a live orchestra, but when you watched these people go about their role they loved every minute of it and performed as if they were the main attraction
• the Japanese woman who, after 30 years of living in San Francisco, opens her own little store carrying a unique variety of Japanese items … one of those stores that as soon as you step in you know it is going to be a wonderful experience just because of the joy she had doing what she was doing

All of these, in their own way, had found their own area of specialty in which to direct their energy and focus.  But quite possibly none stood out quite as dramatically as “the Bushman.”  If you aren’t familiar with Bushman, he is reportedly a homeless man who makes a living by hiding behind some fake branches in one of the busier tourist areas of Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco.  When tourists walk by and are least suspecting, he jumps out from behind the bushes and scares them. Simple…but effective!

Here is a short clip from our experience:

Here is someone else’s and you can search YouTube and find a hundred more:

There are a variety of internet rumors about this guy:

• reported to make over $60k/yr
• has hired a bodyguard to protect him from those who don’t find him so humorous
• has multiple “impostors” attempting to do the same thing (just looking through the YouTube videos it’s obvious there is more than one doing this)

There is also a whole range of different opinions about the Bushman.  Some condemn him and think he’s a nuisance.  One commenter online even found it totally unfair that the Bushman was making more money than he was with a college degree.  Others applaud Bushman for trying to support himself and think he’s hilarious.

Regardless, whether you can appreciate what he does or not …. whether he makes $60k/year or just enough to buy lunch…whether there is one Bushman or five…you have to give him (them) credit for finding a little niche (as simple as that niche may seem to others) that seems to work well for them.

What’s to learn from all of this?  I think it’s safe to say all of these people found ways to utilize their talents and skills in unique ways doing something they enjoy and are passionate about.  Shouldn’t that be what we are encouraging our kids to do as well?

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Day in San Francisco.  Been planning it for months.  Week long family vacation.  For many, San Francisco’s weather in the 50’s isn’t exactly balmy, tropical weather to look forward to.  If you live in the Midwest however its a pretty welcome relief from the freezing temperatures that seem to last half the year.

We’ve been to San Francisco before but didn’t plan ahead quite as well so were unable to take in some things last minute because of tickets being unavailable, etc.

This year would be different.

Began planning in October.  Airline tickets for everyone.  Seats all together on the plane.  Tickets to everything we wanted to see … Alcatraz, Tony ‘n’ Tina’s Wedding, a performance of Wicked, and Cirque de Soleil.

Since October we’ve been expecting Christmas Day to look something like this …..

Instead its looking like this …

Not only will we not make it to California on schedule, likely miss some of our schedule activities, but I’m 200 miles from home and will more than likely not even see my kids on Christmas Day!

Should I be surprised?  Middle of the winter in the Midwest.  A snowstorm isn’t exactly a rare occurrence.

As the plans change by the minute it reminds me of the earlier post I wrote about expecting teens to make plans for the next 20 years.  The likelihood of something changing those plans is about as likely as a snowstorm screwing up a Christmas vacation from the Midwest.

Instead of worrying so much about helping our kids make ONE big decision about what they are going to do with their life, we should be spending more time teaching them how to effectively manage change.  To deal with all the crap life throws in the way of plans.  Be able to change plans as needed.  Not to every obstacle that is thrown in the way…those can be surmounted.

Rather change as a result of changes that happen to you and changes that happen within you.  Life isn’t a straight path from high school graduation to retirement.  It turns.  It twists.  There are bumps.  At times you get stuck in snowstorms and need to work through them.  At times you take the wrong road entirely and have to find a new way.

Those are the things we should be emphasizing to our kids.

It appears that maybe I’ve been proven wrong!

Shortly after posting my opinion here that money is unlikely to be the primary cause of college dropouts, Public Agenda releases the findings of their survey, sponsored by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, of more than 600 young adults with SOME college credits.  According to the results of that survey released in a report called “With Their Whole Lives Ahead of Them,” one of the most common reasons given for dropping out of college was the need to maintain a job to afford college and the stress associated with juggling both their studies and work.

This seems to poke a hole in my theory that finances is not a good excuse.

Considering this was a pretty reputable source of information, even I was beginning to question what I said earlier.  No doubt times have changed.  The cost of education is all over the news.  Certainly college tuition has increased at a rate far above that of wages. Maybe I was wrong and I’ll be the first to admit it when I am.

This morning I was reading the book “On Writing,” bestselling author Stephen King’s memoir. He recounted his years of education and described that period of time as:

“…up at seven, off to school at seven-thirty, last bell at two o’clock, punch in on the third floor of Worumbo at 2:58, bag loose fabric for eight hours, punch out at 11:02, get home around quarter of twelve, eat a bowl of cereal, fall into bed, get up the next morning, do it all again.”

This was around 1968 or 1969.  More than 30 years ago!  Some things haven’t changed.

He certainly isn’t unique in having a difficult road to get to where he is. Nor does he claim to be. It’s just his story and was only a coincidence that I read it at a time where I was thinking about these survey results. Many of us can probably recall our own similar stories including me. Living in a run down 500 square foot apartment shared with 2 others that I had never met before.  Furniture?  Found a couch by the dumpsters.  Afternoons spent cleaning rat crap out of the bottom of cages in the research labs to help supplement the thousands in student loans that were accruing.

Was it a big sacrifice?  Not hardly.  It was just part of the deal.

I’m sure there are many that read this and say “Yeah, but…”  and follow with their own particular special circumstance that makes them (or their son or daughter) different than the rest.  And without a doubt some are different.  There certainly are some situations that make financing a college education more difficult.

But for most, it’s about a lack of PURPOSE. Not “purpose” as in a lifelong, bigger-than-self, reason for being on this earth.  “Purpose” as in a reason WHY we do something.  And if the only purpose to a college education is because it just seemed like the right thing to do because everyone else was, there is a pretty good chance that the “stress” of making it happen can get to be too much.

I was talking to my 15 year old daughter last night about some of her interests and possible directions they could take her … music teacher, counselor, working with youth in some manner.  About half way through the conversation I began to realize how I just assume that my own kids will choose career directions that will involve a 4 year college degree … AT THE VERY LEAST!

After spending hours reading, researching, and writing some of the previous posts about college dropout rates, you would think I, of all people, would be a little more open minded to the other possibilities. But that will be another parents child that is dropping out…not mine!

I can’t imagine I’m unique thinking that way.  Most of us as parents have high hopes for our kids…getting a good education, a degree, and rolling right into the job of their dreams. Regardless what the statistics say, none of us expect that OUR children will be one of them that won’t make it.

Where do we get the idea that a 4 year degree is the “Golden Ticket?”  Why do we think that a college education is the ONLY way our children can be successful?

Beyond just the stigma of deciding NOT to go to college, the media has done a good job of painting a pretty gloomy picture of the future for those who decide not to and instead get a technical degree, an online certificate, or open a business of their own.

Countless articles and interviews compare the lifetime income of someone with a bachelors degree versus someone with only a high school diploma. The actual dollar figure may vary.  Census Bureau at one time thought $900,000 over a lifetime.  Other sources have said anywhere from $800,000 to just over $1 million.  The exact dollar amount doesn’t matter.  A million bucks is pretty convincing. Passing that up seems like passing up a winning lottery ticket.

And if income isn’t the primary concern when choosing a career, many articles, websites, and books will give a whole list of other reasons why a 4 year degree is important.  That list is long…

• longer life span

• healthier

• greater job satisfaction

(and then the list starts to get a bit off track)

• greater use of seat belts

• greater Internet access

• less criminal activities

(I won’t even list some of the rest that seem completely off track)

Even if we don’t include some of those that really seem questionable, who doesn’t want a better quality of life for their kids (and themselves?)  Who doesn’t want to give their children the best chance of a longer healthier life?

Before assuming that this information is accurate, it’s important to consider whether these “lifestyle improvements” listed above are actually a direct result of the degree itself.

Simply showing that those who graduate with a 4 year degree have, on average, higher salaries doesn’t really prove WHY that is.  That is a bit like saying kids who play college basketball are, on average, taller when they graduate than other kids, so if you want to be taller you should join the basketball team.

I don’t doubt the fact that those with the intelligence to obtain a bachelors degree, AND with the discipline, persistence, and ambition to finish, will, on AVERAGE, earn more during their lifetime. Isn’t it possible that a majority of these same people, ON AVERAGE, would have done that anyways?

Just so there is no misunderstanding, I am in no way AGAINST college education.  In fact, my personal career and that of my entire family has been through years of college education.  And it worked well for us.

It just seems to me that instead of shoving the “one path” down their throat as the only real chance of success, we should be encouraging our kids to explore a wide variety of different career directions FIRST.  Make decisions based on their own personal interests and passions.  THEN determine the best steps to make that happen, whether that be through a college/university degree, technical education, or a variety of other programs.